Rolling plains stretch before you, plowed with hundreds of straight brown furrows, tended by an equal number of serfs. They speak to one another in a strange derivative of English you can’t quite make out. They’re dirty and disgusting, don’t understand you, and have just watched you appear out of thin air.
You think the fast, frightening pace with which they’re speaking means they’re about to tie you up and set you on fire for being in league with the devil. You have minutes, maybe less, to save your own life.
So you pop open the door to your time machine and grab your copy of SO YOU CREATED A WORMHOLE: THE TIME TRAVELER’S GUIDE TO TIME TRAVEL. You flip to the section entitled “Surviving in Time: Medieval Europe.” You find “Important Phrases for Communicating with Medieval Britons.”
You shout, “Seeth yon staff o’ firestorm which explodeth hence upon thy horrible faces!”
Translation: “This is my boomstick!”
And because you own SO YOU CREATED A WORMHOLE, you’ve also remembered to bring along the second-most important object a time traveler should have on-hand at all times: a twelve-gauge, double-barrel shotgun.
Welcome, intrepid temporal explorers, to the world’s first and only field manual/survival guide to time travel!
DON’T LEAVE THIS TIME PERIOD WITHOUT IT!
Humans from H. G. Wells to Albert Einstein to Bill & Ted have been fascinated by time travel – some say drawn to it like moths to a flame. But in order to travel safely and effectively, newbie travelers need to know the dos and don’ts. Think of this handy little book as the only thing standing between you and an unimaginably horrible death – or being trapped forever in another time or alternate reality. You get:
Essential time travel knowledge:
• Choosing the right time machine, from DeLoreans to hot tubs to phone booths – and beyond
• What to say – and what NOT to say – to your doppelganger
• Understanding black holes and Stephen Hawking’s term “spaghettification” (no, it’s not a method of food preperation; yes, it is a horrifically painful way to meet your end)
• The connection between Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity, traversing wormholes and the 88 mph speed requirement
• The possible consequences of creating a time paradox-including, but not limited to, the implosion of the universe
Survival tips for nearly any sticky time travel situation:
• How to befriend a dinosaur and subsequently fight other dinosaurs with that dinosaur
• Instructions to build your very own Rube Goldberg Time Machine
• Crusading – for fun and profit
• Tips on battling cowboys, pirates, ninjas, samurai, Nazis, Vikings, robots and space marines
• How to operate a microwave oven
• Enjoying the servitude of robots and tips for living underground when they inevitably rise up against us
If you’re already a time traveler, it’s available now. But if you’re following the rules (like you should be), it will be available in your unaltered timeline on April 3, 2012. Pre-order it now and perhaps your inevitable time-travel-related demise will be slightly less immediate.
Read an excerpt and other exclusive content on our Facebook page.
Publisher: Berkley Trade