QUAN+UM

What is QUAN+UM?

Time travel: It’s a thing. Right, we know, you’re all like, “Isn’t time travel precluded by the laws of physics?” To you we say: What are you, some kind of laws of physics narc? Sure, physics makes your life convenient, what with your gravity and your friction and all. If you want to be willingly oppressed by The Man (in this case, also known as The Universe), be our guest.

But even though we can’t really explain it, human beings can and have traveled through time. In fact, there’s a venerated history of all kinds of people who have, ranging from scientists to serial killers to Meg Ryan. The trouble with all that experimental, context-free time travel? There’s nobody there to say, “Hey — don’t kill that Hitler guy.”

That’s where QUAN+UM comes in. The Qualified Users and Negotiators of Time Travel Universal Ministry is both the regulatory body for temporal dislocation and its primary investigator. We figure out time travel so you don’t have to, and we do our best to keep you from maiming yourself (and history!) as you flagrantly toy with science you can’t possibly hope to understand.

Primarily, QUAN+UM supports time travelers in the field by dispensing helpful and informational dispatches via various means of technology, including electron-transfer Inter-techno motion picture imaging video and The Twitter.

But for time travelers cut off from electronic conveniences, and really for best possible results, QUAN+UM created the ultimate in temporal dislocation information and survival: “So You Created a Wormhole: The Time Traveler’s Guide to Time Travel.” It’s a book, so as long as you don’t set it on fire, get it wet, drop it in a black hole or irradiate it, it’ll last you forever. It’ll also save your life.

The History of QUAN+UM

There’s not precisely a “when” for the beginnings of the organization of scientists, adventurers, unwitting interns and Jean Claude Van Damme, Time Cop, that compose QUAN+UM. And to be honest, we can’t even remember what time we’re in most of the … time. The organization seemed to spring up out of necessity as more and more time travelers encountered issues such as Evil Selves from the Past/Future, paradoxes, singularities, rogue prehistoric creatures loose in technologically advanced societies, and the occasional genocidal robotic uprising.

But as to where (when) QUAN+UM’s definite beginning point is, well, we’re not sure. To be honest, we’ve had so many banner members come and go, pop up in the past and the future, or just disappear altogether that much of the history of the organization is confused beyond saving. We know that Dr. Emmett Brown used to pay union dues but that his membership lapsed sometime around 2028; that Alexander Hamilton deeded QUAN+UM a large plantation and bolstered our ranks by recommending several freed slaves visit our offices after his death (many of whom participated in the “Let’s Try a Less Crappy Period in History” Temporal Colonization project); and that Albert Einstein was a jerk to us after the Deadly Birthday Cupcake Incident of 1950.

What you need to know about QUAN+UM is that we’re everywhere and if you’re intending to time travel, you’re going to need to deal with us. We also have a great legal team that will defend you when you eventually murder someone, provided you also agree to donate your vital organs to us when you die. Maybe slightly before. Not by much, though, promise.

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